In my early 40s I had a discussion with a friend who was struggling with alcohol. His drinking had been how he got through the struggles of life, even as it added to them. He remarked that he admired the serenity I had achieved. That took me aback, as I had never really thought about myself being particularly serene. Now that I’ve entered the fourth quarter of my life, I’ve had time to reflect on his assessment.
What actually is serenity? The dictionary says serenity is “a state of utter calm and unruffled repose or quietude.” Right. During the teenage years of our three sons there was precious little utter calm or unruffled repose. There was plenty of chaos, stress, and few days that didn’t involve a modicum of cursing. Clearly that definition could not be applied to me in my 40s, and sometimes not even now that I’m almost in my 80s.
Everyone perceives serenity in different ways. It may be a monk in a secluded monastery, keeping a vow of silence. Or a hermit who has left the day to day world to live like Thoreau. Maybe it’s the guy next door who never seems to have a care in the world. My own definition is that serenity is the state of recognizing and accepting reality. That may sound simplistic and stupid, but it has worked well for me. Here are the core components that I credit for my state of serenity.
Acceptance of Change
The only constant in life is change. It happens continuously and it cannot be stopped. Denying it is futile, and you may experience enormous stress until you realize that. We all long for things to get back to normal, even though what we recognize as normal may no longer exist. If you are reading this, you almost certainly experienced the COVID-19 pandemic and the effect that it had on the entire world. Did anything go back to normal for you? Or have you begun to realize that it never will?
Empathy
This has gotten much harder since the COVID debacle. For most of us, trust of the government, the media, and even each other, is at an all-time low. That’s led to us becoming more tribal. Any member that fails to adhere to the core beliefs is summarily canceled. It’s also made people meaner.
Consider this hypothetical event. You’re in heavy morning traffic, running late for work. A car suddenly cuts across your lane to get to an exit, forcing you to slam on the brakes. The car has a bumper sticker calling for (fill in your most hated candidate) to be president. You lay on the horn, scream some choice words and raise the finger to express your irritation.
Now let’s have a look in that car. It’s Bob and his wife Mary. They’ve been trying for 3 years to have a baby, and Mary has finally gotten pregnant. But something is wrong, and she’s in labor two months before she’s due. Bob is desperate to get her to the hospital as soon as possible. They are both frantic and fearful that their dreams are about to be crushed.
If you knew this, would you still be mad? Maybe, but you could also consider the situation and forgive the behavior. The fact is that at one time or another, we all have unexpected and frightening situations that overwhelm us. There is no way for others to know what we are going through, just as we don’t know what burdens they may be carrying. By assuming that there are mitigating factors we don’t know about, it’s easier to excuse most transgressions. I’ve finally reached an age where I can forgive myself for the many stupid things I’ve done. And I’ve let go of all the anger at what others have done to me.
Kindness
My wife and I are far from wealthy. As I’m fond of saying, we started out with nothing and we still have most of it left. As the children of parents who lived through the Great Depression, we were brought up to live simply, almost frugal. We’ve also experienced hard times, when credit cards were the only way to keep our business afloat.
Several years ago we contracted with a local company to have the grout in the tile in our kitchen and bathrooms treated. It had gotten dull from traffic and age. The owner of the company gave us an affordable price, and then sent his employee to do the application. She was meticulous about her work, and it was soon apparent that the job was hard, and bigger than her boss had realized. After the better part of an entire day on her hands and knees she finished and we gave the exhausted woman a check to the company for the agreed amount. Then we handed her $100 in cash. She started to cry and said we had made her day. That tip was as much as she would be paid for the entire job.
When we get haircuts, or have the rare meal out, we tip heavily in cash. Sometimes it’s more than the bill. This is not to show off, or act like big shot celebrities. It’s a recognition that people in the service industry work very hard for not a lot of money. The Social Security that’s being withheld from their pay is supposed to pay for their eventual retirement, but it’s actually being paid to us. It’s only right to give it back, since they need it now and the odds are they will never get a dime of it when they can no longer work.
Kindness is not just about money. Listening quietly to a widow spending an hour talking through the anguish of her husband’s final days in home hospice was difficult. Whether it helped her or not, I’m happy to have done it. Helping friends, neighbors, and family in times of need is part of what makes us human.
Preparation
Staying calm in an emergency is easier when you know what to do in advance. If you are unprepared, you may wind up like Homer Simpson, screaming “What’s the number for 911?” If you have children it’s important to know what to do when the inevitable injuries happen. Fainting at the sight of blood not only does not help, it could waste valuable time in getting treatment. This is also true when you reach an age where you might need emergency assistance.
That time came for us when my wife experienced atrial fibrillation, detected by her Apple Watch. My first thought was heart attack, and I dialed 911. I knew from articles I’d read that the first thing to do was to provide my address. I was terrified at the prospect of losing the person I’ve loved dearly for more than 60 years, but I forced myself to stay calm and follow the instructions of the 911 operator. Fortunately it was not a heart attack, though it remains the most stressful night of our lives.
Following the AFib episode I found a cardiologist who referred us to a cardiac electrophysiologist. I read a book on AFib and scoured the Internet to research all her various prescriptions. That helped us decide on an ablation. It’s been more than a year since this incident and the problem seems to be behind us. Even so, I continue to learn as much as I can about diet, nutrition, and health matters.
Acceptance
Most people are familiar with The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
This was written nearly 100 years ago, and has been used in many recovery programs. The full, longer version is available here.
You’ve probably heard the famous Mike Tyson quote: Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. Life has a way of punching us in the mouth when we least expect it. The rent is due, the baby is sick, the car broke down for the third time this month, and you just lost your job. Nearly all of us will experience a major problem at least once, and some will experience the complete loss of everything.
Reality is irrevocable. We don’t have time machines to go back and fix things, and physicists say we never will. Denying your situation will only make things worse. Once you have accepted it you can begin to deal with it, even it there is no positive outcome. Consider this example:
Curiosity
If you are reading this, you must be somewhat curious. Why is that important?
Never before in human history has it been harder to determine what is real and what is fantasy. The Internet and social media, coupled with artificial intelligence (AI), has made it possible to have thousands of “friends” that you will never meet. They may not even be real. Instead of interacting with actual people, we’re encouraged to collect “likes” and “followers”.
Most of the traditional media outlets, like newspapers and television, have lost the trust of their readers and viewers by skewing their reporting to favor a political party. The effect has been to deepen the divisions between the two main parties, and destroy whatever trust they once depended on.
This puts the burden of finding the truth directly on you. Your best hope of doing that is to read as much as you can. Listen to podcasts, including those that you don’t like. Watch programs that you may disagree with, to get a broader perspective. The more information you absorb, the easier it will be to determine what is likely true.
Nature
Have you ever wondered why a lot of offices have plants in them, either live or plastic? They contribute nothing to the bottom line of the profit and loss statement, and they are an overhead expense. No matter how removed we are from nature, it is a critical component of the world we live in. While you may live in a glass and steel high-rise, your lizard brain instinctively remembers your ancestors that hid in the forest from predators and enemies. Plants bring back that sense of calm that quiets the fight-or-flight part of the brain.
Nature is not just plants. The pet industry is huge, catering to our need to share our home with dogs, cats, fish, and myriad other creatures. We bond with these animals, while knowing that they will be leaving this world before we do. The pain of this separation is strong, but we continue to seek replacements because of the feelings they give us.
Reconnecting with nature is easy, but it’s better with help. I started with grand-children, when they were between 2 and 5. We would go on a nature walk in our neighborhood. Listening to your child guide, you can see the world through her eyes. I have fond memories of my second granddaughter, delicately picking up an earthworm marooned on the sidewalk, and gently depositing it on grass so it could return to the soil. She begins university this year to study environmental engineering.
Intuition
Animals are very good at reading people, particularly dogs and horses. They seem to be able to sense people that don’t like them, or mean them harm, even if the person says or does nothing. Conversely if you are a dog or cat person, they know and will often come to you without asking. Several times my wife and I have had a lost dog or two approach us on our morning walk. They usually have tags so we can help them get home.
Humans also have a sense about people they meet. Sometimes you encounter someone that just “rubs you the wrong way”. There may be no obvious signs, but something tells you to avoid this person. Perhaps it’s the lizard brain again.
As you get older, this sense sharpens. That may be due to trusting people who wound up doing you wrong, or it may just be a natural thing. Either way, it’s one more reason to be calm, relying on your innate intuition to warn you of subtle dangers.
Exceptions
The above items are some of the main components that have brought me a high level of serenity in retirement. They may be able to help you do the same. But some people have histories of trauma, abuse, and/or PTSD. Serenity may not be possible until those histories have been laid to rest through time, counseling, and hard work.
Others may achieve serenity through organized religion or support organizations. They can be very rewarding, as long as you are not being asked, or forced, to do things you are not comfortable with. Demands for money or blind obedience are also red flags, and may indicate you are in a cult. Serenity is impossible in such a situation.
Conclusion
Life is very short. You can treat it as an endless succession of amusement park rides, or you can live so that others mourn when you are gone. Choose wisely.
Well done Jim! Thanks for sharing!